


As I am

by Katzy_Kins



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: DA2, Dragon Age - Freeform, Dragon Age 2 - Freeform, Dragon Age II - Freeform, F!Hawke - Freeform, F/M, Fenris - Freeform, Hawke - Freeform, Hawke/Fenris - Freeform, Healing, Healing Sex, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kink, Love, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape/Non-con Elements, Romance, Sex, Sexual, Shame, Shame kink, f!hawke/fenris - Freeform, kink prompt, shame kink prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:42:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28726797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katzy_Kins/pseuds/Katzy_Kins
Summary: Fenris and Hawke run into an old associate of Danarius'.Visibly drunk, he divulges personal information about Fenris and leads Hawke to ask uncomfortable follow ups.Fenris is backed into a corner, unsure if Hawke can swallow *this* bitter pill.Will she turn her back on him too?
Relationships: Fenris/Female Hawke, Fenris/Hawke, Fenris/f!Hawke
Kudos: 9





	As I am

**Author's Note:**

> TW: --Mentions of ass*ult-- Slightly graphic f*rced s*xual acts discussed/mentioned. 
> 
> Please proceed with caution! 
> 
> **Part of a shame kink prompt. I'd link it but I can't find it anywhere now :c

"Oi! Izzat Fenris?!" A voice called, breaking his concentration. His mind on a heated game of Wicked Grace, and up until now, it had felt like he and the Champion were the only two people who remained inside the hanged man, 

Fenris recognized the voice immediately. He could never forget anyone who had once attended his old Master's _functions._ Those nights were stuck at the very center of his mind, and he was a constant victim to the nightmares it brought him. He did his best to ignore his late master's pet Fereldan, but Hawke had been too obvious in her awareness. She all but flagged the obnoxious parasite down, and welcomed him a seat. 

"Ah, iss been a while, 'asn't it friend?" The drunk man slurred, breath reeking of cheap ale. Fenris turned away, trying to ignore his presence, begging every available God and Maker to prevent this man from speaking out of turn. He couldn't even form sentences in his own mind--he was mortified.  
"So! This is yer new mistress, izzit? Charmed," he turned to her and attempted a clumsy wink with both eyes, "Ya still have 'im do those _parties?_ " Hawke raised an eyebrow at the heavy implication that tainted the last word of his sentence.  
"What do you mean _parties?_ " Hawke spoke the word as if its utterance alone were criminal.  
"Hawke. We do not have time for this, we are in the middle of a--" Fenris tried to interject, but Hawke raised a hand to quiet him, and he grimaced.  
"Ol' Fenris was a riot back in the day--We 'ad all sorts o' fun wiv him! 'Ey, has he ever used his mouf on ya, serah?"  
Fenris stood up, frantic, "That is enough!" He was nearly shrieking, Hawke froze, gazing up at him. It was a look of concern, and it was somehow more nauseating than one of fear would be. He could not allow her to hear the sordid details dribbling from this drunkard's mouth. He grabbed her wrist and lead her out of the bar. 

"Fenris, what was that--" She began, but his following gesture begged her silence.  
_This was it..._ he thought, the words pointed and sharp like daggers at his core.  
_Soon she will be privvy to all of my shame..._ he could no longer pretend or lie his way from the truth--she'd heard enough to assess a small part, but he couldn't bear the thought of leaving her with no context.

That would be worse, surely... 

He had been silent for much too long, her expression morphed into one of waiting, "It doesn't seem like you're ready to speak of this. Perhaps we should wait for a better time?"  
He shook his head,  
"If I do not explain now, then I will not later." Complacency would kill his honesty, she nodded cautiously. 

"...I was never-- _just_ a body guard...I was....used. For entertaining company...as well" Hawke's wide-eyed stare was daunting, he paused nervously.  
"Of a...That sort of nature--?" She managed, he looked away, shame robbing him of all resolve. "Oh...Fenris--I'm..." His face stopped her cold, mid-sentence, and her demeanor shifted, "you're right...this is neither the time or place. We can continue this later--if you're...comfortable." 

He sighed, "I am not...but this--can no longer wait..." 

* * *

He had returned home early that night, and continued to stay up late, downing wine bottles and dropping them as soon as they were emptied. When that soft knock finally sounded against the massive door to his mansion, he knew she was here. 

He staggered drunkenly toward the foyer, half empty bottle in hand, and a full one in the other. When he opened the door, he plopped the lighter of two bottles in her hand, and wordlessly she followed him back upstairs. They took their usual seats, and Fenris had taken another large swig from the bottle; desperate for all the courage he could leech from the aggregio. Uncertain in how to word it, he let the words fall out with no effort to poise them; 

"I was a plaything, Hawke." She'd almost gagged on her sip. It was so brazen, and Fenris had usually been so careful with his words until now.  
"That drunk you'd met, he was one of the 'guests' I'd... _serviced, _and I...never wanted anyone to know...or--not like this...and..." He looked up, eyes glinting and bleary with tears, "...especially not you..." Hawke had known the sick things Danarius had done to Fenris--something foul that was heavily implied after her first and last confrontation with the blighted little shit himself, but to this extent? She wouldn't have guessed, and the truth had hit her harder than a freight ship.__

__She froze after barely fighting down drink. She wasn't sure how to proceed, Fenris couldn't stand comfort, and he perceived any support as an attack on his pride. Instinctively, however, she reached for his hand from across the table, and he met her eyes--briefly, as she squeezed his palm gently.  
It was a small--safe gesture, just enough to display her sincerity without making it feel like pity. He didn't squeeze back, only looked up at her for answers no one could give him.  
This wasn't pride, it was a reputation reinvented, it was a cray paper mask he wore to thinly shield his own heart. A weakened, ghost of a gesture with no effort inside. This façade had grown soggy and damp with all of his uncried tears. What he kept to himself--what he refused to share with another living person. He almost had himself fooled. The only mild success of this sham.  
But he could never fool Hawke...Always reading everyone's emotions like large print text in a wide, open book. She was so aware of his feelings. Her grip became more firm, she tugged gently ushering him into the sanctuary of her embrace. _ _

__In her arms, he'd abandoned his "pride," and his fabricated dignity, and freely he shook. His sobs near silent, muffled against her shoulder.  
"Fenris..." She began, "I wish I knew what to say...but I am _so_ so sorry..." he felt her hand at the base of his skull, strong and warm. He continued to heave plainly in her arms, he clutched her so tightly, so desperate to keep her--to make sure she was real and only his. Without words, he begged her to be his reprieve from the soul-crushing, feeling of filth still left inside of him.  
The dam was broken, he couldn't stop it now, "Hawke I--" he tried to speak but was soon choked by another fit of sobs. She pulled him closer again, "You needn't say another word Fenris, you've endured this for years. This moment is yours. Use it to heal." She hushed him and tightened her arms around him.  
It was true, he hadn't cried since the very first occurrence. He needed to just take in the respite, the peace of mind, and the freedom to be _willfully_ shameless.  
No more would that choice be robbed of him by large groups of Tevinter aristocrats. The memory stung and he clawed her even tighter on impulse. "You are so much more than this feeling, Fenris..." She murmured into his hair. "No one can take that away..." _ _

__Dutifully, she held him until he'd run dry of tears and pulled away on his own. He stared at her, eyes wide and uncertain, he was unable to express how grateful he was, she never judged him, no matter how he judged himself. He drew nearer to her face, uttering only her named in a hushed whisper, before kissing her.  
It was a rough contact, desperate and wanting. He continued to devour her until they were both breathless and panting. Their eyes darkening, heavy with lust, "Fenris..." She exhaled his name like a prayer--pleading for divinity, he smiled; _to be her salvation..._  
He swore it an honor as he parted her lips with his tongue. His goal was a pleasure shared. No fight for dominance, no one sided exchanges--just two lovers in the dark, fervently trying to make the other feel whole. He tore off her clothes, finding flesh in the dying hearth light, and palming it until he earned that symphony of sighs. 

__He often felt ruined in so many ways, outrunning his past felt nearly impossible. Only when she held him, did he feel like he could stop running, and accept himself in all the ways he felt accepted by her. She saw him as the man he spent long trying to become, and in some ways, he could honestly say that he was different now. No longer that same scared slave, but a man worthy of Hawke's affections, Hawke's patience. He had grown from it, and it all felt most real when he was here, held tightly by the person who truly saw him for the person he is now._ _

**Author's Note:**

> ;w; ahhhhh I hope you liked it ffff <3


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